we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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