you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
