I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
