dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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