i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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