Who wears a wallet chain?!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
