i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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