a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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