Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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