life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
