i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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