Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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