If that was your dad, he is hot
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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