Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
