I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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