They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
