So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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