My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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