I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
