Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
