FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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