I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
