I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
