I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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