ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
