There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
