"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
