I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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