Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
