the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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