i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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