My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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