...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
