when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
