i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
