Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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