All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
