i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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