Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
