just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
