When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
