I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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