I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
