he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
