I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
