my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
