so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
