yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
