New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
