wanna go halves on a baby?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
