Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She has the best kind of daddy issues
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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