A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
