I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
